by Marc C.
Formed in 1992, broken up by 2003 and reformed in 2011 Dick Delicious is back and it appears this time everyone is a target regardless of race, creed, gender and/or affliction.
Instead of just drawing up the usual “so who is the main songwriter,” blah, blah, blah type questions it was time the band was asked what could be considered the most thought provoking questions of their collective careers to date. With their latest release” Vulgar Display Of Obscurity” already screaming up the Billboard Hot 100 charts with such thought provoking titles as “Beer Shit, Aids and Bad Drugs” and “Feed The Homeless (To Each Other)” it’s time the band answers the hard hitting questions only we here at Hardrock Haven are brave enough to ask. No fluff, no filler, no bullshit! Ladies and Gentlemen Dick Delicious And The Tasty Testicles as you’ve never heard them before.
Hardrock Haven: Considering your hatred of the Black Eyed Peas would you rather:
A. Have “surprise sex” with Fergies anus while her father was strapped to a chair,
B. Create incisions along Wil.I.Am’s testicle sack and dip it into a bowl of Ben-Gay or
C. Create incisions in your own testicle sac and dip it into a bucket of Aids while listening to Imma Be?
Dick Delicious: That may be the toughest question I’ve ever been asked in an interview. Is there any way we can go with a combo of A,B, and C? The Black Eyed Peas have inflicted so much suffering on the ears of the people everywhere, I think it’s only fair the punishment be reciprocated. Maybe get Wil.I.Am to bang Fergie’s anus wile creating incisions in her father’s balls? They are already so gay that I’m sure they have AIDS already. Leave the bucket at home.
Hardrock Haven: What “reality star” deserves a Dirty Sanchez and why?
Dick Delicious: Although, I would not to personally be perform the sexual act (just because of the sheer density of the herpes involved) anyone from The Jersey Shore would do. Hurricane Irene was created and aimed at New Jersey for one reason: If the networks weren’t going to cancel The Jersey Shore — God would.
Hardrock Haven: If you could tea-bag any starlet who would it be?
Dick Delicious: No question: Mila Kunis. I’d hit it like Katrina.
Hardrock Haven: Who would you want to toss your salad?
Dick Delicious: Wow, these are the most perverted questions I’ve been asked in an interview: CONGRATS! Again, I would like to defer to you last question: Mila Kunis.
Hardrock Haven: If good lovin’ indeed does go brown is it better to clean up right away or should one allow for ass to mouth first?
Dick Delicious: Always go for the ATM when possible. It’s much more degrading, though not the most hygienic.
Hardrock Haven: Do you prefer a “pruned bush” or would you rather it looked like Fidel Castro eating a London Broil?
Dick Delicious: “Pruned bush” for sure, although I wish more chicks would bring of the the 80’s style “Hitler Bush” thing back – they were sexy. Plus, it’s much easier to figure out where to put your dick when you have a “treasure trail” to follow.
Hardrock Haven: Have you ever had any Nashville Pussy?
Dick Delicious: Everyone always asks me that, as if they assumed I had, but the answer to that question is “No.” It is a gravitational constant: “Dick’s and Pussies Do Attract,” so I wouldn’t totally rule it out on the road.
Hardrock Haven: Who’s currently at the top of your death pool?
Dick Delicious: Charlie Sheen for sure. I work in the porn biz, I get the inside dirt. He’s still doing all the same shit he was doing before, except now he’s graduated to Meth. He’s not long for this world.
Hardrock Haven: Just how tasty are Ruyters testicles?
Dick Delicious: I plead the 5th.