Stephen Lynch 3 Balloons
by Derric Miller
Staff Writer
Pornographic minstrel Stephen Lynch is back again with a brand new studio release, 3 Balloons. Lynch—a comedian first, singer/songwriter second—is one of the most brazenly talented artists out there making “music” today, except it’s basically XXX-Rated. To put this into perspective, this is what it’d sound like if James Taylor recorded his version of Steel Panther songs. With a surprising command of his instruments, in this case, his angelic and enviable vocal range and delivery; his fluid dexterity on the acoustic guitar; and demonic ability to write songs that offend on multiple levels, there is no one better (or worse, if you are an offendee) than Stephen Lynch.
If you’ve heard any of his cult hits, like “Kill a Kitten” or “Special Olympics,” you’ll know no subject matter is safe. Abortion, priestly pedophilia, hermaphrodites … it’s all game when Lynch puts pen to paper. On the opening track, he tackles the doctor visit, except in this case, it’s for an A.I.D.S test. He could have worked in “Anally inflicted death sentence,” but he’s probably not an M.O.D. fan. Regardless, the soaring vocals on the chorus, “Waiting for my A.I.D.S. test to come back, I shouldn’t have fucked that prostitute without a prophylactic, waiting for my A.I.D.S. test to come back, regret is dripping from me like my semen down her crack … and now I wait,” are pretty much counter to the dire and nympho-maniacal lyrics. Only Lynch draw you in with his seemingly innocent vocal style, all the while singing lines like, “I swear to God if I’m clean, I swear I’ll stop shooting smack … probably.”
Lynch was influenced by Louis C.K. on the next song, “Fishin’ Hole.” If you know Louis’ work, he talks about how big of an asshole his daughter is. Well, Lynch runs with it, decrying the assholishness of his son, his wife, a bar, and some dude who sold him a mirror. While hilarious, you will get to hear Lynch use his smooth falsetto to really push the point across. Not as funny as “Waiting,” but still damn good.
There is a theme throughout the release, and it’s called “Dear Diary.” There are four entries, and they all have the same acoustic and beautiful guitar melody. It’s basically a brief diary entry, highlighting the grandeur of life, and then ending with lines like star-crossed individuals like Anne Frank. The worst/best, by far, is this one: “Dear diary, today was a great day. I bought myself a brand new horse. She’s strong and fast, and so very beautiful, and just a little wild of course. I know tomorrow I can tame her, if I only believe. Wish me luck diary, Christopher Reeve.” If you haven’t figured it out by now, nothing is sacred in Lynch’s world.
They all don’t strike the same level of gut-wrenching hilarity, though. “Medieval Bush” is onerous, with his plodding faux-accent and use of words like “beseech” and “verily.” The track about Peanuts characters, “Crazy Peanuts,” is an improvement, but it pales in comparison to the earlier tracks. “The Ballad of Scarface” is one of the tracks you’ll maybe listen to once, and then, forget.
Irreverent is an apropos way to describe Lynch’s songwriting process. How the hell else can you come up with the line, “And by the way does anyone want to buy a Guatemalan child from my derriere?” How do you even get to the point where that line makes sense, as in, “Oh, I know what the next lyric should be!” This is from the title track, “3 Balloons,” and it has a jacked-up Hitchcockian twist. The song opens with the main character’s anxiety so high that he may cry, because … he has three balloons of cocaine in an uncomfortable place. As the “hero” boards the plane, you can hear him think intelligently about the smuggling process with Einstein-like clarity, especially when he notes, “I must remember don’t leave any drugs inside the host. I did that once, and a girl who tossed my salad overdosed.” Yes, that’s part of the song too. At the end, the hero boards the plane with balloons of heroin, cocaine, ecstasy, hash, LSD, Chinese fireworks and a Guatemalan child. And where do you think the hero sits? In the cockpit of course … fly the friendly skies.
Lynch gets surprisingly political on “America,” a song written in the spirit of all classic Folk Rock songs. It’s cutting, a dissection of America, and yet, patriotic. Some people will hate it, with lines like, “Worshipped by France and North Vietnam, Afghanistan thinks we’re the bomb!” If Lynch cared about pissing off anyone, though, he gave that up a long, long time ago.
3 Balloons ends on a different note, Lynch bringing in keyboards and penning a ballad on “Hallelujah.” While the song was meant to be a sonic idol to his true love, he seemed to have difficulty putting any of her attributes on a pedestal, and thus he emotes, “I wanted to tell of your wisdom, how the courage within your heart soars. But all I can think of how I be loving those great big big titties of yours.” It gets better, with his insanely earnest “Oh-oh, hallelujas” getting back up vocals from a gospel choir. If you’ve ever seen Lynch pull this type of song off live, the ladies actually eat it up. If he can get away with singing about sliding a coat hanger up a woman’s thigh in past tracks, he can certainly be absolved for singing an ode to DDs. You see, he’s maturing …
Lynch interviewed with Hardrock Haven a few years back, and took semi-umbrage to the fact he was introduced as a “singer/songwriter/comedian.” Now that he’s spent time on Broadway and earned nominations for a Tony and Drama Desk Award for his role in The Wedding Singer, don’t think for a second he’s not going to keep comedy at the forefront. That being said, with a voice and imagination like this, if he doesn’t start popping up on movie screens, in music videos, and wherever else his talent should lead him, it’d be an utter waste. That aside, 3 Balloons is a ballsy and expert studio effort, and one you will listen to repeatedly, cringing yet singing along the whole way through.
Label: What Are Records
Track listing:
WAITING
FISHIN’ HOLE
DEAR DIARY 1
CRAZY PEANUTS
3 BALLOONS
DEAR DIARY 2
MEDIEVAL BUSH
A HISTORY LESSON
DEAR DIARY 3
YOU (PRETTIER THAN)
THE BALLAD OF SCARFACE
AMERICA
DEAR DIARY 4
HALLELUJAH
HRH Rating: 8/10